Girls Are Not Interested in Mark (For reasons only they know)

I bet you are all wondering to yourselves, “where the hell has Mark been lately?” Well some of you are aware that I recently had a (very) brief fling with a lady (one week, to be exact). While this experience was certainly brief, it definitely served as a learning experience. The conclusion I came to, after hours of over analyzing, is that I am too nice. Bottom line is that most women want guys who are assholes, because this means one of two things: either A) they might find some personal victory in being able to change them into the guy they want, or B) if this guy is truly an asshole, he comes off as being a great catch if he’s only slightly less of an asshole around that particular woman.

Now I know just about every woman that is reading this is probably cursing my name right about now. “Whatever! We don’t want assholes! We just want someone who is confident and self assured!” And I do realize, there is a line between “self assured” and “complete asshole.” But what I think most women don’t realize is that this desire of theirs is found completely on a subconscious level. I don’t think anyone actively thinks to themselves, “I really want to get treated like shit.” It just happens, because women find themselves in destructive relationships, because of the aforementioned desire to be with someone they THINK they can change. Whats the lesson here? Guys aren’t going to change. Sure they’ll put on a hell of a show for a few months, maybe even a year, then as soon as the ring hits the finger, they revert back to their old, asshole selves. If you think I’m just generalizing here (see: area of expertise #5), then look no further than the divorce rate in this country.

I should also mention that I set a personal record this past week: it took me no longer than 1 week to go into the dreaded “friend zone”. For those of you who don’t know me, I am the master of the friend zone. I have more girls that are friends (who have zero desire to see me naked) than any other self respecting male on the planet. I’m like the effeminate pony tailed guy in your apartment building who watches Grey’s Anatomy with you every Sunday. Only not as gay, and I don’t have a pony tail (but I do watch Grey’s Anatomy).

I’d love to recap the awkward conversation I had with this girl last night but I don’t really remember much of it. It was mostly a back and forth of “okays” and “ya knows”, with brief explanations of why she only wants to be friends, and “isn’t looking for anything right now”. What was funny about it is that she kept telling me how she really only sees me as a “friend” right now, and how we’re much more compatible that way, etc. I found this amusing, because I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation that lasted more than 15 minutes, and we’ve known eachother for exactly one week. How does she know she wants to be friends with me?? For all she knows, I could be a dark, sadistic psychopath, that NO ONE wants to befriend. (Interestingly enough, I actually hinted on that towards the end of conversation, telling her “you know you haven’t even seen my dark sadistic side yet, you really should withhold your judgement of me until you get to know that side of me”. To which she replied “umm, yeah…I kinda have to go now…” I swear, it’s as if I do these horrible things just because it will get a huge laugh when I tell Steve the story later).

By the end of the conversation, I came to the realization that I probably am not really all that interested in her either. Sadly, I still am going about the dating process the same way I went about it in college: I.E. wake up next to a girl on Sunday morning, and have a relationship evolve from that. I don’t think that process works in the real world. However, I have no evidence that the standard process of forced intimacy over candlelight dinner with a complete stranger works either, because I’ve never actually done that before.

The question I will leave you all with is this: whats wrong with Mark? Am I really too nice? Should I move to New Zealand where the girls are less crazy? Is the college method of dating actually better than the standard real world method? The way I see it, if she sees you naked early in the relationship, there is less of a likelihood of disappointment later on (and for the record, I did not actually sleep with this girl). I think I’m just getting old, and growing tired of the typical female bullshit that I’ve come across and put up with for so long.