Paris Hilton Sucks

Editor's Note: I've been wanting to write about this for some time now, but quite frankly, I just couldn't find the words. Luckily, Steve majored in creative writing in college, so writing about stuff like this is about the only thing his education has prepared him for. The only thing my education has prepared me for is to vote democrat and to get used to not banging chicks after college. Enjoy!

Since the world has selected me as the sole remaining voice of reason and protectorate of what we used to know as dignity and common sense in societal issues, allow me to pose a question that has blown my mind for a year or two now: Why the #$*@!! is Paris Hilton famous? Seriously, why do I know who she is? My first reaction when I heard about the Paris Hilton sex tape was: “Who the fuck is Paris Hilton and why am I supposed to care that she’s publishing amateur porn?” After learning that she was the spoiled rich bimbo daughter of the Hilton Hotel franchise, I thought, “Oh. So, who gives a shit? I guess now she’s going to embarrass her family, cause their stock to go down, be ostracized from Thanksgiving dinners, and be the punch line to a dirty joke within a week. Whoopty-doo. Put Tiny Toons back on.”

Much to my shock/dismay/chagrin/actually-what-am-I-saying-I-didn’t-really-care, she instantly became one of the hottest celebrities in the country. Within a year, she had her own show and was hosting Saturday Night Live. I didn’t understand it. Did I miss something? Was she a one-time great recording artist that hit rock bottom and America was giving her a second chance? Was she an amateur porn star that was crossing over into the mainstream and showing the world that it’s OK for members of the adult film industry to keep their clothes on and make an honest living in entertainment? Or was it actually true that our society had become so fickle and soulless that we actually reward this kind of behavior by instantly showering fame and riches on any whore who comes out with a video tape of herself getting bulldogged in a hotel room under night vision?

For a while, I assumed she was just the flavor of the week, and that she would soon be deposited in the same pop culture refuse bin as Rob and Amber. But, for whatever reason, I’m still hearing about her. The main source of my bewilderment is simple: What does she do? She doesn’t sing (which is hardly even a requirement to make it in the music industry any more). She can’t act (as evidenced by her insulting appearance on SNL in yet another pathetic installment of a down-spiraling once-great show). And finally…SHE’S NOT EVEN ATTRACTIVE! Yeah, that’s right. I know you just assumed she’s gorgeous because she’s tall, thin, blonde, and standing in front of a camera. But look again. Take off the rose colored glasses that Entertainment Tonight and MTV force you to wear every day of your life, and look at the world through your own eyes again. She is not attractive. Not that this characteristic alone would validate her mind-boggling presence in the limelight, but at least it would make something resembling sense. I’ll accept superficiality over outright nonsense.

Now, I’m certainly not embarking on a crusade to determine who is and is not worthy of celebrity; I’m simply pointing out the most extreme example. Does Tara Reid deserve to have her own show? I won’t dignify that with a response. Tara shouldn’t be allowed to act in the Christmas play my little cousins put on for my grandparents in our living room. She’s that bad. But at least she sucks at something. At least we can categorize her as a terrible actor. I can at least fathom her celebrity because her case is not exactly a rarity: atrocious actor, smoking hot, hard working agent, instant millionaire.

With Hilton on the other hand, the sheep followed the farmer to market so fast and so obediently, no one bothered to stop and ask, “Wait! Why are we celebrating her? What has she done? What does she do? What art form does she fall under? Why do I care that her stupid little dog has a new pink hat?”

Seriously, guys. Can we please develop some sort of criteria that people have to meet in order to be considered a celebrity? Give me the guy who beat Super Mario Brothers 3 in eight minutes. At least I would have one, maybe even two questions to ask him (namely: How long did it take you? and, When’s the last time you saw a woman naked?) Give me something to work with. Throw me a bone here. I will now remove my eyeballs with a rusty butter knife and fill the sockets with silly putty.