I want to leave the country
I finally realized this weekend that I have officially outgrown this country. There is nothing left for me to do here. More specifically, I have lost the ability to communicate with 90% of the people living in this country. Perhaps its just the individuals I surround myself with, but there are few human beings alive that actually interest me. Take Saturday night for example: I went out and did the typical bar routine. I talked with a few people. I talked to a few girls, even. After 2 hours, I realized I was having the same conversation with everyone.
them: "hey whats up! what are you drinkin'?
me (trying desperately to remember their name): "oh hey, um, vodka tonic"
them: "so where are you working now?"
me (trying desperately to make my job sound important): "I actually work in admissions at an online university"
(I love how I always throw in the "actually", as if what I do is the LAST thing you'd expect me to do. Well, it probably is, now that I think about it. But they don't know me well enough to find the irony there. Its also funny how I answer this question in the same smug sense of accomplishment that a professional athlete would. I.E. "actually, now that you mention it, I play shortstop for the Kansas City Royals!")
them: "I love this song!"
me: "yeah, who knew The Pussycat Dolls were so gifted musically? I think they are trying to tell us something here. Something about how I wish my girlfriend was hot....you know, like them!"
them: "...right....so have you seen my roommate anywhere?"
me: "yeah I think she's talking to Jeremy"
them: "who is Jeremy?"
me: "Jeremy is that tall guy over there with the ankle long pea coat slung over the bar stool, and the briefcase with nothing in it but his sack lunch, and the special edition U2-Signed-IPod playing his "commute mix", which consists of nothing but Death Cab for Cutie and The Bravery, or whatever else the guy with dyed black hair and nailpolish that works at his accounting firm told him to listen to that week."
them: "I can't feel my teeth"
Now keep in mind, I'm not just referring to girls here. The guys I run into on a weekly basis are even more pathetic. Just replace all of the above conversation with a series of "Anchorman" quotes, and you get the idea.
Now I'm sure you are thinking "the Jeremy you described above is simply a taller version of you." Yes this is almost true, except for the U2 special edition IPod and the job worth bragging about. Now you see why I'm dying a slow death inside!!! I'M BECOMING "JEREMY"
Also, some of you might be thinking that I have a superiority complex, and I think I'm better than these people. Quite the contrary. I think it actually speaks volumes about my lack of communication skills that I can no longer talk to any of these people. This is a shortcoming, and there is little I can do about it. Are there any meds out there that can cure this?? Should I just start doing more recreational drugs? Is 26 too old for recreational drug use? I demand answers.
Am I crazy? Should Mark leave the country? Discuss amongst yourselves.
them: "hey whats up! what are you drinkin'?
me (trying desperately to remember their name): "oh hey, um, vodka tonic"
them: "so where are you working now?"
me (trying desperately to make my job sound important): "I actually work in admissions at an online university"
(I love how I always throw in the "actually", as if what I do is the LAST thing you'd expect me to do. Well, it probably is, now that I think about it. But they don't know me well enough to find the irony there. Its also funny how I answer this question in the same smug sense of accomplishment that a professional athlete would. I.E. "actually, now that you mention it, I play shortstop for the Kansas City Royals!")
them: "I love this song!"
me: "yeah, who knew The Pussycat Dolls were so gifted musically? I think they are trying to tell us something here. Something about how I wish my girlfriend was hot....you know, like them!"
them: "...right....so have you seen my roommate anywhere?"
me: "yeah I think she's talking to Jeremy"
them: "who is Jeremy?"
me: "Jeremy is that tall guy over there with the ankle long pea coat slung over the bar stool, and the briefcase with nothing in it but his sack lunch, and the special edition U2-Signed-IPod playing his "commute mix", which consists of nothing but Death Cab for Cutie and The Bravery, or whatever else the guy with dyed black hair and nailpolish that works at his accounting firm told him to listen to that week."
them: "I can't feel my teeth"
Now keep in mind, I'm not just referring to girls here. The guys I run into on a weekly basis are even more pathetic. Just replace all of the above conversation with a series of "Anchorman" quotes, and you get the idea.
Now I'm sure you are thinking "the Jeremy you described above is simply a taller version of you." Yes this is almost true, except for the U2 special edition IPod and the job worth bragging about. Now you see why I'm dying a slow death inside!!! I'M BECOMING "JEREMY"
Also, some of you might be thinking that I have a superiority complex, and I think I'm better than these people. Quite the contrary. I think it actually speaks volumes about my lack of communication skills that I can no longer talk to any of these people. This is a shortcoming, and there is little I can do about it. Are there any meds out there that can cure this?? Should I just start doing more recreational drugs? Is 26 too old for recreational drug use? I demand answers.
Am I crazy? Should Mark leave the country? Discuss amongst yourselves.
posted by MarK at 7:31 PM
7 Comments:
You might try picking up a people skills book sometime. People will tend to like you and want to talk to you more if you find out how to relate to them. How do you do that? Ask them questions that dig deeper than "What are you drinking?" Try finding out where somebody is from or what they really want to do instead of the crap job they have now. Dig a little. How is anyone going to know about your undying love for Ohio and you undying hate for Virginia if you don't ask them about themselves first?
Mark, I just think you need to start livin' man. Quit that lame job and go travel until you run out of money, then wait tables long enough to get to the next place. Then, come back to that same bar in a year and you'll be money, actually you still won't be money but at least you'll have better stories.
Leaving the country isn't a bad idea. You could backpack through Europe, stay at hostels, tell chicks you're from Sri Lanka (or anywhere besides the US) and get extrordinarily laid.
Or, you could go teach English in Japan, like a guy I knew in college did. He was really overweight, but he dropped a lot of pounds in Japan and ended up getting extraordinarily laid.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you need to lose weight or anything. But you do need to get extraordinarily laid.
I agree, Europe is the way to go. It's the in thing to do...
And when you're in countries where you can barely speak the language, and the people you're talking to can barely speak English, who cares how well you can communicate! Everyone will be in the same position and it'll be fun and laughter trying to figure out what everyone is saying :-) Or you'll have to find other ways to communicate which can be equally fun...
Join a Contiki tour through Europe and meet lots of other people doing the same thing, from all over the world.
If nothing else, it might at least make you appreciate home more.
And you might get laid. But I doubt it.
I sympathize. (Or possibly empathize. I always get messed up on that.) There are very few people I enjoy talking to. Unlike you, however, I am capable of carrying on with pointless small talk when called upon to do so. And, yes, I am being intentionally condescending. Because, unlike you, I can admit when I have a superiority complex. Which I am admitting right now. Which makes me better than you.
Definitly leave the country. The only problem is you will have the same conversation with everyone you meet about where you come from. BUT you will be the interesting and mysterious foreign guy, which is not a bad badge to wear.
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